Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Mom & Dad

My sisters and I have been going through all of my parents things. We left the picture albums for last. I have been taking pictures and scanning them so that it will be a little bit easier to separate them out. Doing this has caused a great deal of reflection. It's amazing how a picture can take you right back to that moment in time. You can almost hear sounds and smell the air around you. It's been fun and sad (at the same time). It's been a peculiar experience loosing such special, dear, sweet parents. It's peculiar for many reasons, but the strangest part is when it causes me to really question my religion. It doesn't sound right when I type it. I don't mean question whether my religion is true or whether I should believe the things that I've been taught, I have a strong testimony that the gospel is true. What I question about my religion is what I truly know about it. Do I know that I will see my parents again? Do I know that they are in heaven right now? Do I know that they are together again? Do I know what I need to do to be with them again?

You see my dad passed away while I was on vacation in Hawaii? What a sucky thing to have happen. I've never been so pulled apart. I tell you this much, no words can truly describe how grateful I was for cell phones. Can you believe I could be clear in Hawaii and still be able to talk to my dad in Utah??!!! That is truly amazing to me and I felt a great blessing!! I talked to him nearly every day up until his passing and I took great comfort in that. However, I have found no comfort in the great desire I had to hold him one more time. I wanted so badly to put my arms around him one last time - and I have not felt comforted in that desire. I remember saying to Jeff - on the night he died, "Do you know how sucky it is to know that I'm not going to be able to see him again? Do you know how bad it sucks to know that you don't have any parents here to call and talk with?" After a few minutes he pulled me back and he said, "No, I don't. It's gotta suck!"

Well I was looking online at mormon.org and going through our basic beliefs and found a section called "How Can I Know This is True?" I decided to listen to the video and read about this topic. The video reminded me that I may not be able to prove my religion, but I can know it's true because of how I feel when I'm learning. One phrase really caught my attention and made me feel especially comforted. "Feelings from the Holy Ghost are personal revelation."

Well, the feelings I've had as I've gone through these pictures are that mom and dad are happy together again. They must look like they do in these pictures. So, I had to share. Isn't dad so handsome? and mom, isn't she beautiful? I feel like they look like this again and that they are happy and I feel like I'll get to see them again.


mandlon said...

They are beautiful!!! Cindy I am so impressed with you. I'm sorry... It must suck!!! I love you and am grateful you are my sister.

Pam said...

I'm so sorry. I wish I could make you feel better. It's been incredibly emotional for me, too, as I go through the pictures. Dad's biggest struggle after Mom died is exactly what you have expressed. He asked me over and over "Do you really know that Mom is in heaven? Does she have her memory back? Will I really see her again?" It was hard for me to have him ask, because you can't completely know until you experience it for yourself. All we have is hope and faith. I hope it is true. I want it to be true, and I have faith that it is. I do know that I feel at peace and believe that this life is not the end. There has to be more after this life, and I believe that one day we will know.

Trudi & Gary said...

Thanks for inviting me to your blog!
Great layout, great pictures of your family, and especially great thoughts... I don't know much about things sometimes, but my knowledge/belief in the lives of our spirits being eternal is one thing that totally makes sense. I feel the connection to all life, when I need it most and it helps me deal with the everyday stresses, just to know that this life is just a step along our eternal journey.
Every time you think about your parents, know that it is because they are visiting you and trying to tell you that they love you back.
Your cousin Trudi

lisabirdgirl said...

Wow!! What great pics you have of your parents! My heart goes out to you every time I think of you loosing both of your parents at such a young age. My sister, Maryann, was in town from Oregon this past week. I remember having a discussion a little about this with her, Natalie and Nathan. We were saying how hard it will be when our Grandma and Grandpa go. They are in their 80's and I'm sure the time isn't long for them. They've both had recent episodes that make me think this. As we brought this up, we realized that none of us have EVER had anyone terribly close to us pass away. I wonder how I will handle it when the day comes! Not something I look forward to. Something I appreciate my beliefs for though. I just hope my faith and hope in seeing them again will pull me through! I admire you and what you've gone through recently. Just cling to those good memories and what you believe! Love you much!

Valerie said...

Cindy...Wow. Great Blog. It's been a while since I've been on. What great thoughts! Thanks for sharing. I've thought MANY time, "what would I do if my parents died soon?" It's an intimidating thought. I had a terrible week this week and if I didn't have my Mom to call and cry too, I don't know what I would have done. It does make us all reflect on our Testimonies and what we truly believe (and KNOW).